How I discovered my ADHD

The struggle, the confusion, the learning, the realisation and the diagnosis

I get asked a lot about how I discovered I have ADHD. It was not a straightforward path, it took a while, and the previous couple of years had a particular blend of life events combined with increased awareness and understanding that led to the discovery.

So I thought I’d share with you what led to the realisation – the difficulties I had with writing my book and studying an MSC, how I learned about ADHD in women, the processes I went through to recognise my own traits, what my struggles are, and how I sought diagnosis.

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At the same time as writing my book, The 1% Wellness Experiment (we’ll come on to my struggles with that), I was also in my first year of studying a Master’s degree in Applied Positive Psychology.

I had been thinking about doing this degree for years so when I finally took the plunge and made the commitment (and thanked Student Finance Wales for finally offering postgraduate loans) I was really excited to get going. It was a great course with a faculty passionate about teaching the subject, I made friends with other students in person and online, and loved getting stuck into the learning.

But, when it came to working on assignments, researching and reading papers, I felt such resistance. I was baffled because I really wanted to do this course, I was fascinated by the subject and I knew that once I got going I would become engrossed in papers and not want to be interrupted or stop for hours.

In the second year of the degree (admittedly an intense period of time as I was doing my dissertation alongside the second year plus some family challenges too) the resistance increased. I felt almost a physical force preventing me from sitting at my laptop and studying. I would procrastinate and put off working on assignments until I got closer to the deadline.

Then the fear of running out of time would force me into action and I’d dive deep into my studies emerging with a completed assignment with plenty of time to spare. This kept happening, over and over again.

If it’s a dream come true, why the struggle?

Writing a book and having it traditionally published was a long-held dream. I’ve been a writer for more than 20 years, I’ve been supporting women with their mental and emotional health for a long time and I knew that one day I wanted to combine the two in a book.

So when I got the publishing deal for The 1% Wellness Experiment and the dream was finally coming true I was surprised by just how difficult I found writing it. Not the subject matter, I knew exactly what to write. But I felt incredible resistance to sitting down at my laptop to write.

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I was excited for this book, I knew what I wanted to write, I knew the positive impact the book could have, this was a dream come true and yet…

I procrastinated. Again.

When I finally wrestled myself to the laptop and started writing I would become utterly engrossed, hours would whizz by and when I eventually stopped I would have written multiple chapters and thousands of words.

Again I was baffled.

Why was I finding it so incredibly difficult to get myself to write a book that I wanted so badly to write AND when I did start writing the words then flowed out of me?

At the time I put it down to purely perfectionism – I wanted to do a really great job and the fear of not writing a really great book was making me hesitate.

It was infuriating! And bewildering.

The resistance to doing things I wanted to do, as well as what I needed to do – highlighted by writing the book and studying the MSc – couldn’t just be explained by perfectionism. There had to be more to it.

ADHD in women looks radically different

This is when I recalled some of the podcasts I listened to and the newsletters and Substack posts I’d read where midlife women shared their ADHD journeys. I went back to listen and read again, and learned more about how ADHD presents in women.

Because, like a lot of people who haven’t given it much consideration, I thought ADHD was the preserve of small, fidgety boys who couldn’t sit still in school. Traits I had dismissed because on the face of it that wasn’t something I struggled with, I then learned the nuance, the other ways that trait can be experienced by a woman who has managed, just about, for several decades of her life.

For example, I don’t hand in work late. But, as I described with my degree assignments, I put it off until as the deadline nears the anxiety of not doing it, potentially running out of time and disappointing people with my tardiness means I spring into action, get hyper focused and complete the piece of work well ahead of the deadline.

Another eye-opener was that I had put a lifetime of daydreaming, overthinking and living in my head down to my vivid imagination and anxiety. But learning how the ADHD trait of hyperactivity is more often experienced internally rather than externally for girls and women made a lot more sense to me. Overthinking can be anxiety-inducing for sure, and neurodivergent people experience higher levels of anxiety (for a wide range of reasons) but it had never fully explained my colourful internal life.

The lists got longer and longer

I began making a note of what I thought could be signs of ADHD from my childhood right up until the present day. Things like trying hobby after hobby – getting super excited and enthusiastic about a new interest only to become bored and move on to the next thing. Being told I have a ‘grasshopper mind’ because it flits from one thing to the next (makes sense to me others can struggle to keep up). My acute emotional sensitivity, a brain that’s constantly busy, how I get lost with verbal instructions, my forgetfulness, how easily I’m distracted… the list got longer and longer.

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I began another document I called ‘Reverse engineering my life’ where I jotted down how I might have been managing ADHD traits without realising it. Strategies like remembering birthdays by noting them as annual events in my online calendar synced between computer and phone, with alerts, plus a tick list on the Notes app on my phone to check off when a card/present is bought and then sent.

Or not losing things like my keys or purse because I have specific places in my home they belong (on the rare occasion they aren’t there I haven’t a clue where they could be). This list got longer and longer too.

As I learned more and more, took online tests and my lists grew, the more sure I became that I had been living with ADHD all my life without knowing it. And, on the flipside I also wondered if I was kidding myself. Perhaps I was looking for an excuse for what I found uncomfortable or difficult. Maybe I wanted to think myself special when actually I was just an ordinary woman who was just a bit crap.

When you’ve gone through life doubting yourself, you’re going to doubt yourself

I decided to speak with a couple of neurodivergent friends who I trusted to be honest with me. If I was going down the wrong path they’d let me know. Both of them, before I was barely a few sentences in to explaining my ADHD wonderings, agreed with me wholeheartedly. In fact, one of them had thought it for a while but knew that it was for me to discover and discuss, not for her to drop on me.

I didn’t speak with these friends because I was looking for diagnosis or definitive confirmation, only a qualified clinician can do that, but more for a sense check. When you go through life doubting yourself it’s not surprising that you’re going to doubt the reason you may have found for doubting yourself.

The relief I felt from these conversations was huge. The recognition, the validation, being truly heard, seen and acknowledged. I spoke with my husband and while he was surprised at first (aside from my ND friends everyone is surprised because we’ve all been unawares for 48 years) he saw how it all made sense.

I could have stopped there. I was sure I have ADHD and I could explore whatever other support I felt could be helpful without a formal diagnosis (only medication requires an official diagnosis).

To diagnose or not to diagnose

But I didn’t, for two connected reasons.

One is that, after 48 years of doubting yourself (much of it learned) there was a part of me that needed a trained clinician, an unbiased stranger to provide confirmation. And, the second is that as I’ve appeared to manage for 48 years I was quite sure that a lot of the people around me would doubt my ADHD too. I believed that for them to believe me they would need proof.

So, knowing that an NHS diagnosis would take years (the Right to Choose option doesn’t operate in Wales) and being in a fortunate enough position to be able to fund it, I opted for a private assessment. After a range of forms, tests and a long, intensive interview the clinician declared I was, “ADHD through and through and extremely high functioning”.

The relief of this confirmation was enormous. And, as you know from reading this post, the first words that popped into my head when the video call ended were, “Where are my quiet ADHD women?” and ultimately that’s how this Quiet ADHD Club was born.

Whatever you choose, support is available to you

The choice to pursue diagnosis was a personal one and I am adamant that you don’t need a diagnosis to prove you have ADHD or to access help (apart from medication). If you recognise ADHD features in yourself, if you think you have ADHD, if you want support, it is available to you – you’re here, right?!

And if you want a diagnosis that is your prerogative too. However, getting an assessment is not straight forward. The NHS waiting lists in the UK are absurdly long, the Right to Choose option is not available in all parts of the UK and private assessments are prohibitively expensive.

If or how you want to pursue assessment is your choice. Whether you have a diagnosis, you’re on a waiting list, you’re sure you have ADHD yourself, or you resonate with some of the features and aren’t interested in a label – you are very welcome here.

I’d love to know in the comments, does what I share resonate with you?

You can click here to find out about how one-to-one coaching can support you personally to work with your ADHD brain, embrace your nature and your strengths, and thrive in a calm and joyful life of your design.

Recognising ADHD traits in yourself can be a LOT to process as you look back on how your life has been and look ahead to want you do with this information.

To find out more about my personal support click the button below.

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Photo credit: Andrea Gilpin